ONE couple is openly flouting the rules of Married At First Sight and turning the name of this once-upstanding experiment into a complete joke.
While Susan became our favourite person on the Channel Nine series last week when she publicly dragged Anthony for being a total wad, we’ve now turned against her after she confused us all with her break-up-which-wasn’t-a-break-up-at-all on Sunday night.
Although she’s totally in love with Sean, it seems the trip to his farm was too real for Susan and it jolted her back to reality.
In Sunday night’s commitment ceremony, Susan decides to amicably break up with Sean – choosing to be lifelong friends instead. But then she insists on staying in the relationship and remaining on the show as a married couple even though they’re not together and are just friends. It’s very confusing and I don’t completely understand it and I’m pretty sure it’s now just an Oprah and Gayle situation. Either way, they’re breaking the rules.
“Moving into the next phase of the experiment – after the grooms’ home stays – our couples will be experiencing what normal couples will have after several years together,” John Aiken tells us. In my experience, this usually means getting irrationally furious when a kitchen cabinet is left open for no reason and clinging to those final moments of solitude alone in the car when you pull up in the driveway after work.
Someone who’d rather be locked in her car forever rather than spend any more time on her husband’s farm is Susan. While she’s in love with Sean, the last time we saw her she was freaking out at the thought of giving up her life in Perth and moving to Sean’s farm to subsist on frozen meals. She then told him she might just rather be friends.
So it seems they’re going to amicably part ways in tonight’s commitment ceremony. But it doesn’t go to plan.
“He needs someone to completely love his passion of horses … And I’m afraid I can’t,” she says.
“I feel like you can be my soulmate,” she says, offering Sean a consolation prize. “We can be in each others lives as support. And completely love each other. And not have to try make one person give up everything that is their happiness.”
All of us – including the experts are confused about what exactly Susan is pitching.
“Are you talking about a long distance situation?” one of the experts asks her in an attempt to clarify things.
Susan looks at them like they’re idiots who haven’t been listening to anything: “Um, no. I’m talking about friendship.”
Anthony clearly has opinions on this. And for the first time ever, we actually agree with him.
John Aiken tries to cut through Susan’s crap.
“So, do we understand this correctly … you guys are now … just … friends?”
Susan doesn’t understand why no one is grasping what she’s already explained.
“Ah, yeah,” she says, rolling her eyes.
The experts are perturbed one more contestant has gone rogue and destroyed their masterplan.
Sean’s heartbroken and is clearly in love with Susan. But it seems they’ve both discussed this and decided on the confusing friendship plan Susan has come up with. So, seeing as they won’t be a couple, we expect them to both leave the experiment and continue whatever it is Susan was crapping on about.
But what happens next perplexes us even more.
Sean reveals he will stay.
And then, Susan reveals she’s staying as well.
We all look at Susan like, “WTF are you doing wasting our time with your attention-seeking antics?”
So Susan and Sean remain in the experiment. But they’re not together. They’re just friends. Even though the show is for couples. For the rest of the series we’re just following two friends travelling to Susan’s hometown to hang out. So it’s basically Paris and Nicole in The Simple Life.
The purpose of this show is to pair incompatible bozos in a romantic relationship and watch the chaos that follows. It’s not to be used to find a cool friend who you can occasionally talk to on the phone with about that new HBO show Nicole Kidman’s in.
Susan is clearly flouting the rules of this once-upstanding experiment and I’m calling for an inquest.
While my emails are being processed at Nine, we take a look at the equally confusing relationship of Anthony and Nadia. It’s not clear why Nadia still hasn’t escaped, though I have heard industry whispers that she’s planning to release the diaries she kept during her entrapment.
At the commitment ceremony, Anthony is concerned about the lack of sex.
The experts ask Nadia how serious she is about this relationship.
She starts anxiously looking around for an exit.
“Um. Well. I guess. You know. Good question. Um,” she stumbles.
Anthony decides to stay and, while she absolutely wants out, Nadia realises she needs a good ending to her tome of diary entries so she decides to stay as well.
Andrew and Cheryl can’t believe Nadia’s decision given the lack of intimacy they just revealed.
But for Andrew and Cheryl to comment would be the pot calling the kettle frigid.
Last time we saw this couple, Cheryl was rejecting Andrew mid-kiss on a beach in Perth.
They face up to the experts and Andrew is pretty blunt about it.
“During the home stay, I was hoping to get a sign from Cheryl that she is actually interested. I don’t see that sign at all,” he says.
“There wasn’t any positive energy. To the point where I had no idea if she was interested at all.”
Cheryl says she was just overwhelmed – which is always a terrific excuse for getting out of things you don’t want to do.
Andrew is agitated about the beach kiss that came with a side of rejection.
“I had a moment – when things were going bad – that I haven’t felt since my last relationship at it’s worst point,” he says. I felt sick in the stomach. And I just wanted to be removed from the situation. I just would like to be with someone who’s willing to make that same effort.”
So it seems Andrew is so offended that he wants out. And Cheryl is clearly not into it either.
But instead of parting ways, they both decide to stay.
Anthony says it’s not going to work between them and then makes a big X with his arms like he’s one of those losers in the audience of Deal Or No Deal.
I’d like to take a moment to remind Anthony his wife doesn’t want to have sex with him.
For Simon and Alene, things get emotional when Simon’s true feelings bubble to the surface and he finally says he likes her and he cries.
Last up is Michelle and Jesse. To put it simply, Michelle is not into Jesse.
“I feel like we’re not going anywhere. I worry that I’m wasting my time,” she tells us, cutting to the chase.
While bundling her feelings up inside, she’s started to go slightly insane and developed an intense jealousy of her twin sister Sharon’s relationship with husband Nick.
“It’s effortless! We really like each other and we get along awesomely,” Sharon beams to Michelle earlier in the day. The romance with Nick seems to have done wonders for Sharon – her complexion is glowing, her hair is bouncy, her shoulders are pulled back.
Michelle glares at her sister as her own shoulders slouch forward.
“I’m really happy at their development,” she says through gritted teeth.
Jesse is totally oblivious to the fact Michelle is not into him at all.
In front of the experts at the commitment ceremony, Michelle tries her best to avoid answering all questions about her relationship with Jesse.
Asked about sex, Michelle shoots back: “I would never say there was ever passion there.”
We can all see Michelle doesn’t like Jesse and expert John Aiken asks the obvious question: “Is this kind of not working?”
No. It’s absolutely not working.
Asked to reveal their decisions, Jesse chooses to stay because he’s quite dense and can’t catch a hint.
He’s even written his decision in bubble letters.
Michelle actually grimaces.
But, exercising some kind of modern-day self-mutilation ritual, Michelle agrees to stay.
Over the coming week, she will grow more resentful towards Jesse and he will in turn continue to not notice her hostility. Not even if she spells it out in mean-looking bubble letters.
For more observations on bubble letters and The Chronicles of Nadia, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir